


Far Removed from Penance

by WhumpTown



Category: Broadchurch
Genre: Alec and his broken heart, Angst, Fluff and Angest, Fred calls Alec dad, Hurt Alec, they love eachother
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-14
Updated: 2019-10-24
Packaged: 2020-08-23 08:26:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,998
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20239789
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhumpTown/pseuds/WhumpTown
Summary: Ellie wears Alec's shirt.Fred's sick.Alec's dying in the bathroom.





	1. Reasons Wicked and Divine

**Author's Note:**

> Guess who's back bitches?

‘His pipes had a leak! What was I to do? Leave him on the curb?’

For two months, most of Broadchurch find this a suitable explanation for the odd circumstances which have to lead to Alec being at the Miller’s all the time. Somehow a town known for its gossip is easier to convince than two seventeen-year-olds. The two snicker and poke about too much for their own good. Alec and Ellie would find it annoying but their kids are too much like them. Turns out hiding whatever it is they do is as fun as it is for Tom and Daisy to figure out what they do.

“That’s dad’s shirt.” Daisy’s sing-song voice throws Ellie far before her words sink in. She learned very quickly that people with Hardy blood are neither awake or nice in the morning. They need coffee and silence. On the other hand, her two Hardy’s have learned to deal with Fred and his very happy, eager starts to the day. The only thing that can break a grumpy Hardy down is a happy Miller. She smiles at the thought and then blanches. Oh, fuck. She’d just called them _hers_.

Then the rest catches up to her muddled brain and she just stares at Daisy. Tom’s sitting right beside her hiding behind his red mug. Correction, the red mug Alec washes every morning to drink tea out of. The one that he seems to think he has to drink from. “1. It’s not Alec’s shirt-” she forces a lie off the top of her head,” we both have these shirts. 2. Thomas Lee Miller, you had better clean that mug out before Alec gets down here and sees that you’ve dirtied his mug.” She shakes a finger at him and he smirked, not worried about her threats when he knows she’s wearing Alec’s shirt.

Daisy does too. “Really? Then how come your shirt has the same bleach stain his does?” Daisy points to the one just under the right arm. When she was seven she decided she was old enough to wash clothes for the house, her parents exhausted with a child more stubborn than the two of them let her. She stopped when she accidentally dropped three of her dad’s shirt in a bleach puddle. He wasn’t mad but she was devastated by the mistake. “I think we can-”

All eyes shot to the stairs as Alec makes his morning, groggy and half-awake stomp to the kitchen. Tom shoots up from the table and just barely manages to dump what’s left of his tea in a regular cup before over-turning Alec’s mug in the cabinet. He leaves the cabinet door open and winces when he sees it but only after he’s sitting back at the table. 

Alec enters the room, arms scrubbing roughly at his face, and Fred attached to the pajama bottoms he’s got on. The tot has got the material bunched in his tiny fist and a grumpy little frown twisting his lips. He sticks to Alec’s leg as the man makes his way through. When they get to the counter, Alec reaches a long arm down and Fred lets the man lift him to the counter. 

It’s a silent show, all three of them watching for different things. Tom waits on edge as Alec scowls at his damp mug before pouring lukewarm tea into it. Blushing a little when Alec mumbles to Fred about ‘no one ever shuts the sodding doors, Fred. I don’t understand it’. Daisy smiles at the relationship her father has so effortlessly with a toddler who is so different from him. She wonders if he was this way with her too but she knows there is no way he couldn’t have been. Ellie’s still caught up in how she manages to snag up his shirt this morning. She was certain she grabbed hers.

“Easy, lad.” Fred sticks out his bottom lip, the pouty little thing wobbling when Alec turns around to put his mug on the table with the others. The lip goes back to its proper place when Alec scoops him up. With practiced ease, Alec slides into a chair at the kitchen table. Fred moves around in his arms until he’s got his legs wrapped around Alec’s hips and his face buried in his neck. “Little koala this morning,” Alec observes sweeping an arm down the small boys back, tugging Fred’s shirt back down his back from where it rolled up in his moving. 

Ellie invades their space without hesitation, sweeping a hand across Fred’s head. She frowns and kisses his forehead,” why didn’t you wake me up, baby?” She pats at his bum, rousing him from where he’s buried himself into Alec. He frowns, sticking his thumb into his mouth lazily. He offers her no answer so she seeks it in her ex-boss turned friend turned… whatever it is they are.

“Didn’t tell me much, El.” Alec’s accent is thick with sleep and disuse. He stretches out under the table, his long legs nearly going clear to the other side. He yawns, earning an unhappy little noise from Fred at the movement. “I thought he was down here with you but when I came down the hall he met me at his door. Wanted me to pick him up but-” Alec’s eyes glance to the two teenagers watching him with hawk-like eyes. He’s not in the mood to worry them with his heart so he moves on. “I brought him down here with me. Didn’t notice he was so sick until I had up on the counter.”

The damage is done. Daisy and Tom’s own lips are twisted in discontent, making a total of three kids angry and confused with the two of them. Fred’s an easy fix. In another minute, Alec will shift Fred to his right arm and use the shaky left to bear the extra weight on the banister on the stairs. Ellie will pump Fred with the good fever meds and the boy will last ten minutes top in the rocking chair before succumbing to sleep. 

It’ll take medical reports declaring his health to be as good as it can be for the other two. Lately, the pain spurring up and causing significant weakness in his left side makes it very clear to him that any medical report he gets is not going to declare him at ‘tip-top’ shape.

“Let’s go wee Fred,” he stands, using the table as leverage when his legs shake at the movement. He can feel their eyes testing him, watching to make sure he doesn’t topple and it’s sweat but it makes him feel like bacteria on a petri dish. Fred trusts him though, remaining limp even if he can feel Alec’s body shake under the strain. To all of their surprise, even if Daisy hides it by looking away, he makes it to the stairs and even up them to the landing.

Ellie dismisses herself a moment later, mumbling something about a shower and leaves their teens in the kitchen. As much as she is worried that Tom and Daisy are going to freak out about Alec’s trouble, she’s more worried he’s going to push himself to be normal and harm himself farther. Because just as she knows the teens in the kitchen are whispering conspiracies she knows Alec’s bent over somewhere rubbing his chest as if it’ll magically heal.

“Alec?” As she nears the room her phone goes off on the dresser where she'd left it. It's an angry little alarm sound that she recognizes but can't quite put her finger on. She stops a moment to glance in Fred's room- neither of them are there. She smiles at the firetruck, police cars, and an ambulance lined up on his wall. Her little boy had started making decisions on what he wants to be as an adult. He’d said everything from firefighter, EMT, to- Her head snaps up, suddenly remembering exactly what kind of noise her phone made.

Fred’s on their bed, his little knees drawn up to his chest and his thumb hanging off of the corner of his mouth as he naps. It’s adorable, his little curls in disarray around his head, but Alec wouldn’t leave Fred on the bed alone. He has a deep-rooted fear of Fred rolling off the bed, his absence outways the soft image before her. She comes around the side of their bed, praying that she won’t find him on the floor. He’s not there either but her position brings her close enough to their bathroom to see his long legs splayed out on the floor. 

“Alec!” 

He jerks when he sees her, his arms pressed into his chest. He’s bent over himself in pain but when he sees her, he sits up, pulling himself so that he can see around her. She notices and presses her own hand to his chest,” Hey, hey.” She pulls him against herself,” Fred’s fine. He’s fine.” He nods and hisses between his teeth, squeezing her hand when it snakes into his. “I need to get my phone,” she rubs his back and waits for him to nod back. “I’m gonna go get it, okay. Stay awake.”

The worst part of it all is that things like this have happened before. She knows to be quick, falling back on previous episodes and doctor’s visits to know what to do but she still stops to put a hand on Fred’s back, a breath of calm in the face of the storm. _Another_ storm. Alec’s heart problems never stopped because they put a pacemaker under his skin. They visit doctors once a month, he takes pills, and they try to work around the weakness in his left arm. The physical is never as simple as the emotional.

“You’re gonna be okay,” her phone has recorded three shocks from the pacemaker. It’s a heart attack and she knows they’re lucky for making as long as they have. Still, she feels cheated out of time. He doesn’t deserve this. She shouldn’t be able to call 999 with the ease that she does, practiced ease. The operator talks her through what she already knows to do, so she lets the woman drown on as she keeps Alec as calm and relaxed as she can. 

His eyes drop shut for a moment, she drags her knuckles across his sternum. They flutter back open and he gasps her name. They both jump at the sound that comes from downstairs neither has given the teenagers downstairs a proper warning of what was coming, now there are paramedics rushing through their house. The paramedics come through, Daisy and Tom hot on their trail. Their unsettling calm facade is shattered as Fred cries out for them, fighting to get out of Daisy’s arms. Their children watch as the paramedics lift Alec, he’s all skin and bones and his body is too long for the stretcher. His hand rolls off but she’s there to catch it in her own. She stops them just as they’re loading him up,” Alec-”

He squeezes her hand. He’s more out than in but he knows what needs to be done. “ ‘s okay.” The paramedics push a mask over his face and eye her in a way that she knows means that her time is up. So she leans over and places a kiss on his cheek,” you’re not allowed to die on me, you cheeky bastard.” He smiles under the mask and gives her a thumbs up. It’s the last she sees of him as they slam the door shut.

She stands there for too long. She watches the ambulance drive away, the threatening red fading to pink before disappearing. Gone. She gets lost in her thoughts, glaring out like Alec would if he were here with them. Tom comes from somewhere behind her, his hand is rough as his calluses brush against hers. He gives her hand a small squeeze. 

Something wet lands on her breast, she looks down, and then up at the sky. There are no clouds. Tom squeezes her hand again,” it’s okay, mom. Daisy will drive.” She brings her other hand up to her face and brings it back wet. “Fred, get in the car.” Tom moves from her side,” I’m gonna grab you a tissue, okay? I’ll be right back.”

She’s not sure when they grew up. Fred’s learned to buckle himself in his car seat alone, kicking his little legs about in the back seat. No longer crying and happily distracted by a Peppa Pig toy he’s found in the cupholder. Daisy starts Ellie’s car and Ellie soon finds out that Alec didn’t teach her to drive, thank God for that. Tom rides shotgun, rattling off nonsense like he’s some American Heart Association magazine. 

They’re still young, children. The nurses regard them as such. 

They force smiles on their faces in front of the kids but Ellie can see behind their eyes. Her career of choice steals any sort of comfort she may have been able to derive from their smiles. Instead, it reminds her how incredibly alone she is without Alec right beside her. He should be standing beside her as the nurses offer to take their kids to the cafeteria for a snack. He should be with her when the doctors give her ultimatums. He should scoff and roll his eyes because doctors are _always_ dramatic and why should they listen to what they have to say now? They’ve never been right before.

Ventricular fibrillation, they explain, isn’t that bizarre of a development. When arrhythmias go untreated for as long as his did things like that happen, they’re nearly inevitable. His procrastination leaves her with an ultimatum. Two options and a loaded gun pointed at him. 

The first is the easiest option in regards to fighting. There are no surgeries, no more, and they get to take him home like nothing happened at all. The pacemaker is left in his chest, it’ll fix minor problems, mostly exertion. The damage he’s done to his heart will be noted, his meds will increase, and the hospital will come home with them. Monitors and IVs will eventually be a part of him like his fingers and toes. They won’t know him without them. If they’re lucky, beta-blockers and hormones will stretch him out the better half of a year. That being said, he’d need to gain weight and be able to walk. If he can’t they’re looking at six months. He’d die but he’d have medicine, he’ll always have medicine. There will be minimal pain and they would be right by his side. 

The second is a medieval battle. It means bypass to fix the damage parts of his heart, which spells open-heart surgery, and sneaking a toddler into the ICU. It means pain and short visiting hours. Sleepless nights and fighting Alec to eat so the nurses and doctors don’t threaten a feeding tube. Alec losing weight anyways and wearing himself thin and rigid with the stress of getting better. _If_ he survives. His odds are fifty/fifty, for the surgery. He faces several complications from infections to heart attacks. 

Her options are awful. Watch him die painfully slow, melt away in front of their kids knowing she puts him here or kill him on the table and never give their kids a chance at all to say goodbye.

“Do… Can I see him? I don’t have to choose right now do I?” More importantly, fuck him for putting her here. She didn’t ask for these feelings. All she wanted was to be promoted to DI, to love her husband and raise Fred and Tom to be great men. Then Joe killed a child and Hardy stole her job. He stumbled in with his countless issues and annoying determination. 

It can’t just be simply put to say that he can’t die. They have so many things they still have to do. Fred has a stack of books in the corner of his room, they’re picture books that Fred won’t let her near. Every night when Alec comes home Fred has picked a book from that stack and when they put him to bed, it’s the book that Alec will read with all the right voices. Tom doesn’t want her picking him up from practice. He stinks, something awful, but Alec’s nose doesn’t work like it should. Ellie blames the smoking but Tom doesn’t right care as long as Alec doesn’t carry on about how he stinks. Daisy needs her father, she’s been terrified for ages, and it’s not a healthy look. They need things to go normally but, even then…

“Oh Alec,” she brushes a hand through his hair, moving it from his eyes and to the side. He startles awake, flinching away from her hand. Suspecting it to belong to a hospital worker instead of her but when his eyes land on her he smiles and leans back into her hand. She smiles, after all this time he still surprises her with just how much he actually likes to be touched. A clingy old bugger he is, those lanky arms of his come in handy for at least that much. “What am I going to do with you?”

He shifts in the bed, tangling his long legs in the sheets. He manages to pull at the pulse ox on his finger, the machine alarming them both before she can wrangle his hand from under the sheets to put it back on. He grunts when she slips it back on to his finger, if he were more up for a fight they would have their usual argument about the afflicting item. He doesn’t like the pressure, despite the fact that if he just leaves it alone for a few minutes he’ll forget all about it. She always tries to remind him that. He always grumbles.

This time he doesn’t.

She slides his hand back into the sheets, frowning at the redness of his skin because of the tape and IV. She told them coming in to put it in his elbow, they must have busted up his hand good. “Forget to tell ‘em,” he mumbles when her attention lingers a few more moments on his hand. “Always do.” Which is entirely true. She always remembers and he always forgets. Which always blows her mind because it's not her hand that gets a nasty rash it’s his. 

He grimaces as he moves his hand, she can see him dragging it against his leg to either itch or suppress the already irritated skin pain. She puts her hand over it, stopping the movement and earning herself a grunt. He’s cranky, episodes with his heart leave him exhausted. If he’s at home, where he often is, he can sleep in their room. The kids won’t bother him if they get the nerve they might stand in the doorway. She’s not sure how many times she’s caught one of them lingering there, sleeping leaned against the door or wrapped up in a blanket. At the hospital, the nurses come to check on him every ten minutes. He’s not gonna sleep.

He grunts again, moving and pushing his body so that he can see around her. He grumbles something intangible and fumbles to pull the mask off his face,” w-where’s-?” He gestures with his open hand behind her, more towards the door than her ass. She understands what he means and smiles sadly. 

She turns her cheek towards the door, jutting her chin. “The kids?” She closes her mouth, not sure what to tell him. The truth might be too much. He doesn’t need to know that Fred’s fever has spiked to 103 and that a kind nurse has him, Daisy, and Tom in an observation room. Fred’s got a saline drip, wrapped up in one of Alec’s shirts, and crying between naps. Daisy is a mess, inconsolable. She won’t talk, hasn’t eaten, and has managed to curl her legs up to her chest and remain that way. Tom is trying. It makes Ellie feel like she’s failed him but he’s strong because of Joe. Because of what Joe did to them. 

“Fred’s sleeping,” a fair statement, true in every way just leading out a few bits of information. “Tom’s down in the cafeteria, gave him a fiver and he’s probably spending it all in a vending machine. Daisy is playing a game on her phone, already planning our bags for an overnight stay.” She smiles, trying to settle her point with him. Her eyes betray the truth but he doesn’t push.

“Ellie?” He finds her hand, “it’s gonna be alright.” His conviction is misplaced but she loves him for it. She leans down, pressing a kiss to his forehead. He catches the back of her head, keeping her right there,” I mean it, El.” He presses a kiss of his own to her cheek and she smiles despite the tears threatening to run down her cheeks. 

She sits down on the corner of the bed,” Alec? Your heart-”

He squeezes her hand again,” I know.”

She sniffles, rubbing at her nose,” you already knew about your heart? Knob. I thought I was going to have to sit here and tell you…” Well, she’s not sure what exactly is wrong with his heart. Too much information at once. “Did you hear the options?”

He grunts, stifling a groan when it pulls at the sensitive muscles in his chest. At least, they haven’t pushed for a mask yet. Which means his O2 take is good. “L-Look…” he glances at the monitors, the same thing running through his head as hers. “It’s not,” he tries again,” not looking so good, huh?” 

She rolls her eyes,” wanker.” He smirks at her anyways. In the face of it all, he’s smirking at her like the knob he is. It would be so much better if he grumbled instead. If he sat silent and angry, unwilling to eat and glaring from underneath an oxygen mask she could handle that. She’s not sure what to do with him all smiling and happy. Goofy, frankly. “You could die, how is that funny?”

He shakes his head but refrains from an answer. 

“What do you want to do?”

He leans all the way back into the pillows, sighing. He stares up at the ceiling. She fiddles with his fingers, tangling the two of them together. His hands are getting cold. He won't be able to sleep tonight but maybe if he isn’t a complete knob she’ll ask the nurses to warm a bag of saline for him. Maybe he’ll sleep through the night, it’ll keep his breathing steady, and hopefully keep the nightmares away. He sighs deeply and she hopes he isn’t as torn up at the idea of sleeping alone as she is. “Don’t like surgeries.”

But he wears his answer in his face. He’d miss three years of football games and the second half of this season. He’d never see Daisy graduate. Fred grow-up. No cussing in the halls when he gets off a late shift to find Daisy and Tom’s cleats, Fred’s trucks, and Ellie’s coat all on the floor. He won’t walk Daisy down the ail. Surprise Ellie with tea on bad days. Argue with Tom about the Xbox on school days.

“You’re gonna have it,” she refrains from calling him a knob, running her thumb over his fingernails. They're getting long again and he likely lacks stability in his hands enough to cut them himself. She'll do it post-op when he's high on painkillers and all nice. He's always so nice when he's high. "You're gonna have it and you're going to be happy about it."

He closes his eyes, squeezing her fingers in a loose grip. He knows he's gonna have the surgery. He knows that if he makes it, he'll wake up and she'll be right there. He'll be cold and bitter but high and safe. It's more than he deserves. "Of course, love."

She stands from the bed, pulling her hand from his. She brushes her body down, a need to move more than an attempt to get the dust off. “Don’t ‘love’ me. It’s patronizing.” 

He rolls his eyes, a smile settling on his lips,” that’s rich, Miller. I know for a fact that you told the staff we’re married.”

Ellie gasps,” you say that as if we aren’t.” No longer sure of what to do with herself she stands and untangles her hand from his. "I'm gonna go talk to the doctors and…- oh! Joyce and Maggie are getting hitched. Joyce has invited you for some reason. It's next week so I'll go figure out if we need to cancel on that or not." She'll have to go see the couple. Joyce and Alec have an odd relationship but she doesn't doubt the woman will want to know how he's doing. "I'll be back in a minute." She pauses at the door, " well, if I have to call Joyce… I'll be back in an hour."

As far as Alec is willing to explain, he'd gone to Joyce for some legal advice. In the meanwhile, suffering from his ailing heart and terrified of dying on the table, he'd bestowed her with words that moved her. The words remain between Alec and Joyce. Forming a bond. They mostly argue but Joyce has his best interest at heart. She's like a mother, much to his horror, but her wittering and often hitting always come soft and meaningful. 

Their world is coming in around them, it’s unfair. They have a plan for this, a conversation that her mind sometimes reminds her of. It floods her brain with sorrow, her memory offering a perfect replica of his words. It pains her heart but she knows it hurts his twice as much. In this battle of life and death, they lose him. One hard, singular loss. He loses time, memories, and years of their lives. They’ll always have memories and he-

“Ma’am?” The doctor from earlier is waving her down, a thick chart in his hands and an ink pen tucked behind his ear. He smiles despite the gravity of the situation. “No rush bu-”

“He’s getting the surgery. Where’s the paperwork?”

The paperwork is cut and dry. It’s awful but she just has to sign her name in a few places. It could be worse and it could be better and that perfectly sums up their day. When she leaves the doctor, the date of surgery rolling around in her head, she heads for their children. She’ll need to get them home, bathed, and rested for the next few days on her own. She notes that Olly might come around, she can probably convince Maggie and Joyce to watch them for a day or two, and that requires calling all of them and explaining the gravity of what is happening. 

“Momma?” She opens the door to find all three of their kids… not a wreck. Fred’s curled up in Daisy’s lap, the two of them wrapped in a hospital blanket and watching the cartoon on the telly while Tom’s managed to balance himself upside down in his chair. He glances up from his phone when she comes in but goes back to whatever game he’s got. Fred, however, crawls out of Daisy’s lap, leaving the teen alone to look at Ellie with deer in headlight eyes. 

“Hello, my lovely boy.” She squeezes Fred tight in her arms, pressing a sloppy kiss to his head and earning a ‘mommy, you’re squeezing too tight!’. She keeps him in her arms as she sinks into the chair beside the bed and looks around their little room. “He’s got to have surgery. It’s open heart, they’re going to repair a lot of the damage, and they’re going to give him a stronger pacemaker.”

Daisy looks down at her lap,” dad said his heart was fine.” 

Ellie sighs, cursing Alec for his inability to ever express anything the correct way. In many ways, the first pacemaker surgery _had_ made his heart fine. He could do many things he couldn’t before but at the same time, his heart was very far from ever being okay. “His heart… We knew something like this could happen, the stresses of getting older just… He’s going to be fine, he won’t die, he just needs a bit of a tune-up, okay?”

Tom snickers, flipping himself around to sit properly,” mum, you make Alec sound like a car.” Then he laughs a little harder,” he is like an old car isn’t he? You feed him once every so often and he grumbles and makes weird sounds if you make him do anything strenuous, like walk up a hill.” He really gets a kick out of the idea and Ellie knows it’s partially the only way he’s dealing with all of this. 

“Mummy?” Fred is wiping his nose on her sweater but she elects to ignore it and instead focus on just how cute his little face is pinched in confusion. “Can Alec come home today?” 

“No, love.” She brushes a curl from his face,” but we are and I bet if you’re a really good boy tomorrow you can take a nap with Alec and he might even read you a book.”

Fred nods,” I’d like that mummy.”

She smiles,” would you now?” She kisses his forehead,” I’m sure Alec will too.”

“Mummy? I love Alec, I don’t want him to die.” 

She swallows the thickness in her throat,” I know baby, we all do.” She pulls him tighter to her,” I promise you that mommy and Alec will do everything we can to stay right here with you.”

Fred smiles,” good! Cause I love you lots too!”

“Well, I love you too, Fred.”

“Alec too?”

“Yeah, even Alec.”


	2. Workin' on Empty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a perfectly good explanation for why it took me so long to update

She thinks she’s managed to keep them calm. The car is quiet but it’s been a long day and Fred’s finally asleep so she decides Daisy and Tom must be too. Neither teen fought over who would sit in the front, neither took the seat that should have been Alec’s. She shuts the radio off half-way home, a Beatles song being cruelly cut short as a vivid and hard memory comes to the forefront of her mind. She has to take a deep breath to push the tears away and remind herself that Alec isn’t dead. 

“Breakfast!” Fred doesn’t so much as flinch at her shout, keeping his head buried in her shirt. He hasn’t let her go since they came home. Tom and Daisy the opposite. Neither said a word in the car and when they got home, despite her telling them that she aimed to make some food, they went to their rooms. Alec would have something quippy to say their retreating backs, a grumble about homework or grounding them. Instead, she stands alone in their dark living room rocking a toddler begging for ‘da’ and leaving her the only witness to such a raw request.

The teens staring dazed at the eggs before them seeming to want exactly what Fred does too. They pick at the food and Ellie thanks them for at least trying, even if the words don’t come out of her mouth. She still places a solid hand on their backs before they disappear to their rooms again. They come out again about an hour later and Ellie shakes her head. They’re late for everything but for once it looks like they’ll arrive just as the hospital starts to allow visitors. 

It’s seven-thirty in the morning when they walk into the hospital, heavy shoulders and dark bags under their eyes. Fred watches them, his head is heavy on her shoulder but he doesn’t sleep. When they stop to talk to a nurse, he fidgets and whines. Before he can agitate himself enough to bring tears to express himself, they’re moving again and he babbles nonsense into her shirt. 

She guides them to the room, each foot they take to get closer, the slower the teens start to walk. When she opens to the door no one says a thing. She expected Daisy to whisper for her father’s attention for Tom to follow her in, close but not close enough to ever venture far enough to be in the spotlight of anyone’s attention. Instead, she hoists Fred higher up and leads them in. Daisy follows, close enough that she accidentally kicks Ellie’s heel, and Tom takes a moment outside the doors.

“Alec?” Ellie approaches the bed slowly, taking her time to nudge at his hand to keep from startling him awake. His dark eyes peel open slowly but he smiles when he recognizes them. She can’t be sure when it happened but his oxygen has dropped, the numbers reading below 70. He doesn’t reach to move the oxygen mask now wrapped around his face. She prays it’s because he hasn’t anything to say and not because he needs it that much.

“Wee Fred,” Alec’s voice is clouded by the mask, answering her question just enough. He loves her boy and there’s almost nothing that would stop him from holding and comforting Fred. None-the-less, he lifts his arm but he knows he can’t do much in this sense unless Ellie hands him her son. She can’t deny either of them, so she leans down and places Fred on Alec’s side.

Fred whines, pushing himself further under Alec’s arm. Alec does his best to accommodate but moving exhaust him. Fred’s experienced in getting what he wants by fighting so he rolls onto his stomach and moves until he’s tucked himself under Alec’s arm, his little feet kicked under Alec’s blanket, and got his thumb in his mouth. He mumbles something around his thumb, blinking sleepily up at Alec. 

Alec smiles, his breath and words drowned out by the oxygen blowing in his face. Fred doesn’t mind, never does. He just pushes closer, removing his hand from his mouth to take Alec’s hand and rest it on his back. Alec knows what he wants so he rubs his thumb over Fred’s back, smiling when the toddler closes his eyes and settles down.

“He didn’t sleep a wink last night,” Ellie admits and he can see the lines that exhaustion has drawn on her face. He thinks she’s still very pretty, if anything, more so. She’s wearing what’s he’s pretty certain is his sweater and leggings, her hair tucked messily behind her head. He hates that her exhaustion is his fault, wonders why she stays with him. He’s problematic and always sick. 

There’s a knock at the door, a nurse pulling a cart in. He’d forgotten about _that_. She’s gonna be mad as hell. Mostly at him but he’ll get some pity and then she’ll be mad at everyone else.

“Alec…”

He winces, mostly because her voice alludes to the fact that she knows exactly what kind of mess he’s stirred up since she left. “El-”

“Not right now,” her tone is clipped, harsher than he expects because it’s not the first time he’s found himself on the wrong end of a feeding tube and he doubts it’s the last. He’s not sure why she’s so frustrated but he nods his understanding and waves wee Fred a goodbye when Ellie picks him up. It hurts a little more than it should watch Daisy and Tom follow her out without sparring him so much as a glance. 

The NG tube sucks because it always does but he doesn’t throw it up and the nurse is just as happy about that as he is. Fred and Ellie come back into the room, Fred half asleep in his mother’s arm but not content about being ripped from Alec’s side so suddenly. He grumbles at his mother, pushing at her chest to wiggle away. She sighs and lays him down by Alec.

“You can’t…” Ellie buries her face in her hands. She wipes them down her face,” Daisy and Tom aren’t eating. This morning at breakfast, I… I should have noticed earlier but they’re not eating. I know… it’s not your fault…” 

Except… it is. He’s the only person stressing them out, the only person being complicated. 

It’s much more complicated whether they chose to believe that or not. 

“Wee Fred,” the toddler can’t hear him, his voice is soft and he’s speaking at Fred anyways. He’s tucked safely against Alec, Ellie’s sleeping in the chair beside them, and the teens are out in the hall. “My father wasn’t around.” He rubs the boys back, knowing well enough that Fred’s asleep and no longer aware if Alec keeps rubbing his back or not. He does it anyway. “I promise I’ll be around for you.” Fred moves in his sleep, whining low in his throat and blinking irritably up at Alec. “Shh, now, lad. Back to sleep, don’t wake your mum.”

Fred whines, pushing at Alec’s side just because he doesn’t want to be told what to do. Alec pats his bum though, giving him a small wink and Fred settles back down. 

The oxygen mask is uncomfortable, rubs at the back of his ears. He looks up at the ceiling, closing his eyes and feeling wee Fred pat at his side as he falls back to sleep. He’d give the world to keep his kids safe but somehow that selflessness is blowing back in his face. He’s the reason they’re not safe, the reason they’re too anxious to eat, and a piss poor example of how they should be. 

But he’s got Ellie. They all do and even if he’s not strong enough, he knows she always is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dumb bitch (me, I'm dumb bitch) started college and like forgot how to write. I'm literally aching to write fanfics but I just can't? Like this chapter has been killing me and look, I hardly wrote 1,000 words. It's going to kill me, but I have to get back in this swing. Writing is the only productive/academic thing I do


	3. Ask To Be Unbroken

“I mean,” Tom sits in front of Alec, looking at Daisy’s handwork. He shrugs,” eh, at least you didn’t cut him.” Tom moves, catching a look at the side of Alec’s face. “Oh wait. Yeah, no. Daisy?” Tom holds his hand out waiting for the clippers. Daisy lays them down in his hand, looking skeptical but allowing it.

Alec raises an eyebrow, looking between the clippers and Tom.

“You trust me, old man?” Tom tosses the clippers lightly in his hand, his fingers dancing along the edge. He smiles at Alec, he’s going to derive joy from this. 

Ellie’s father taught Tom to shave. For three months Tom’s face was covered in tiny cuts, Ellie would come to the office and bitch at _him_. As if somehow her father’s shitty method was his fault. So, one night he came over to Ellie’s with his shaving kit. She taunted, shamed, even yelled. He doesn’t even shave his own face, how is he going to teach her son.

She ends up crying. She lets him teach Tom. Everything was fine until she heard Alec. His voice was soft, a smile on his lips as he chuckles and takes the razor from Tom. It’s not until Tom slips, the razor just barely catching but the wound still bleeding down Tom’s neck.

_“Hold tight, lad.”_ Alec’s voice was a deep rumble but kind as he gently wiped the blood away with his thumb and stuck a piece of wet toilet paper to it. _“Just a casualty of the trade I’m afraid. Eventually, you’ll get pretty good.”_

Alec looks between the clippers in Tom’s hand and Tom’s neatly trimmed face. Alec shrugs because what the hell? Tom’s been shaving for at least two years now, surely he can handle clippers.

It’s the right answer, Alec finds. Tom’s face breaks out in a huge grin. He scoots closer to Alec and the clippers come with. He’s gentle and Alec imagines the weight he’s lost probably isn’t helping either. The beard slowly leaving isn’t the best part, it’s the smiles eating up Tom and Daisy’s faces. 

“Oh,” the nurse that greets him at lunch smiles. She spares Tom and Daisy the same smile. “You’re looking much better DI Hardy,” she places the food on the bedside tray. “Your kids did good.”

Alec glances at the two teens absolutely beaming, neither of them probably over thinking that they’ve both been labeled _his_ kids. The nurse’s comment rings loud in his head, he keeps looking at Daisy, Tom. Neither reacts, neither even seemed phased. He can’t get it out of his head, like some schmuck, some softy. 

He’s getting worse, too. It’s not the pain, that’s so continual that he can’t measure its intensity. They keep him pretty high and it makes his head fuzzy, cloudy to the point he misses the big things. Like now. A moment ago, he was watching Tom and Daisy bicker and play now he’s waking up, the sun peeking just out of sight as it sets, and Ellie’s here. The sight of her nose buried in a book makes his chest warm. His arms not so cold but he still can’t help but think about all the things he’s missed. He hadn’t even meant to fall asleep.

“Hm,” Ellie spots him watching her and smacks him,” right creep you are. How long were you watching me?” She scowls at him but fingers squeeze his and he looks down at their joined hands. She’s sitting in a way that must be uncomfortable just to hold his hand. 

He smiles.

She rolls her eyes,” what are you smiling at your rat bastard.” She turns her focus back to her book with a sigh,” God. You know, I don’t even like you that much. Don’t know why I put up with you.” She clicks her tongue,” too skinny. Don’t ever eat. You’re always grumbling about. You’ll leave your socks on the floor but you’ll go out of your way to move the milk to the back of the fridge. You never-”

He squeezes her fingers, lazily looking at her with that same loving grin. “Let go of my hand then.” He doesn’t dare release his own grip just grins stupidly up at her. 

She rolls her eyes, her tightening. “No, you’re not the boss of me.” She settles with the book back in her lap, her focus there but he doesn’t mind. Her company has always been something he’s enjoyed. He just wishes she was closer. He’s forgotten what it’s like to sleep in a hospital or even just by himself. He rolls over in his sleep his right arm seeking a right hip to lay itself over but he finds nothing but cold air and the rough material of the blanket over his lap.

“El?” He looks back up and there are tears streaming down her eyes. She glances at him out of the corner of her eye and roughly wipes the tear away. She shuts the book, angrily attacking the tears that just keep pouring down her face. “Oh, darling.” He reaches out, his right hand thin and long but an extension of him and invitation to bring her closer. 

She takes one hard look at him. Tears streaming down her face and her mouth covered by her hand. It takes her a moment but she accepts his hand and comes to the side of the bed. Sitting on the side. That’s not enough and they both know it. “Ach cut the shite Miller and just come ‘ere.”

Ellie is hesitant, careful. It takes her a moment but she manages to slide into the too-small bed right beside him. “You’re a knob,” yet her arms wrap around his hips. “Shitface,” her tender touch betrays her harsh tone. 

He smiles, looking up at the ceiling. She’s warm, in his arms. He quiet likes it.

“You know, it doesn’t even… it’s not right.”

He’d started drifting off. The warmth from her body seeping into his. He’s not really sure he’s heard her. 

“Your heart.” He looks down and she’s rubbing circles on his chest, just along his sternum. “I just… I know how it’s supposed to sound. How it’s supposed to be and this isn’t it. That-That… It terrifies me, Alec.” He isn’t sure what to do so he wraps an arm around her, offering her his ear. “They’ve stripped you of everything I know. You don’t smell like yourself. You don’t talk anymore. You’re skinnier and even your heart… It’s like you’re just skin and bones and they just keep waiting for you to waste away. Why can’t they just fix you?”

She covers her hand but he can hear her sob. She curls into him. Her face in his neck and her hands gripping his shirt. He’s not sure what to say. It’s his fault. He can’t keep food down and he refuses the NG tubes again. He’s not strong enough to go through another surgery but he’s too weak to keep going on like this. He’s dying and he’s dragging his family along with him.

She told him yesterday about Tom’s coach's concerns. Turns out, Tom’s been dropping weight. He’s nearly too thin, just smart enough to cover his body with baggy clothes. Ellie’s voice had been so convicting when she rhetorically asked who he thought Tom would learn something like that from.

“Sign the papers.”

She lifts her head,” what?”

He clears his throat,” the doctors… we’re using borrowed time, love. Sign the papers, tell them you’ve changed your mind and we want the surgery now. It’s… It’s for the best this way, no matter the turn out.”

“Alec-”

“El, I can’t.” He can’t hide the tremor in his voice,” I love you but I can’t.” He won’t tell her about the DNR. It’s funny how easy those are to get. It’s old now, one he signed even before his first operation. It’s words matter now more than ever before. The last thing he needs is to die on that table and leave Ellie that mess. He doesn’t breathe a word about it. He just brushes a strand from her face. 

“Alec…” She’s thinking the same thing he is. Their kids. 

“I know.”


	4. Detract and Sedate

“Alec Hardy, what the hell are you doing?”

He stops dead in his, wobbly, tracks. He doesn’t bother turning around, that’ll throw his core off and he’ll either end up on his ass or dizzy until he almost is. He’d just rather not, really because he’d rather remain upright and not have to see the glare Ellie has aimed at his back. He does tighten his hold on the IV pole, the sudden lack of motion is making it hard to breathe with all his attention on staying upright. 

His voice is shaky. His hands and knees threatening to give out from beneath him. “Death walk? An attempt to get out of bed? I don’t know, Miller.” His weakness is betrayed the moment Ellie’s hand finds the small of his back. She wraps his left arm around her shoulders and Alec feels her pull him upright. Sturdier on his feet.

She rolls her eyes, it’s not something he sees but he feels her disappointed little squeeze at his side. “You’re nervous.” He struggles for a deeper breathe and lets his body refocus on her cold fingers peeking just at the hem of his pants, dancing on his hip bone. “I am too.”

He lets her redirect them back to his room and his heart thuds dangerously in his chest. He’s anxious to his ears and trembling like crazy. He’s got an hour to wrap up everything. Already, he’s had a pre-op check-in. His surgeon came in early this morning, a rough-looking intern hot on his heels. He couldn’t even force a smile when the poor kid tried to joke about how hungry Alec must be without breakfast.

“How are the kids?” It’s only with practice that he manages to ease himself into the bed rather than collapse. The hard part is forcing his body to obey his commands to push himself up in the bed farther, he ends up half-way up. Ellie takes a seat on the side, slowly tangling their fingers together.

She sighs, rubbing her thumb along the skin of his hands. “Looking out for each other.” She clears her throat,” Tom and Daisy are at school. Tom actually drove all three of them this morning. He and Daze are going to practice until 4 and they’re gonna leave early to pick up Fred.” She sniffles, running her other hand under her nose. “Then they’re gonna come here. See… They’re gonna come after to see you.”

Ellie wishes she could fix all of this. To take Daisy and Tom’s fears and reassure them that nothing bad is going to happen. That Alec is going to live to be so annoying old that they’re going to wish he’d just get out of their hair. Bugging about and grumbling until the end of time.

“If they don’t say goodbye then nothing bad will happen,” Alec whispers it to himself, softly. There’s a sad, broken smile on his lips when he looks up at her. He offers a small laugh reaching between them to take her hand. “Can’t right blame. Last words are for cowards anyway.”

Ellie’s face pinches at that, a scowl, and he thinks it might be a little funny that he’s making light and she’s the angry one. Their roles finally switched until it isn’t funny and an angry tear roll down her cheek. “Last words are for people who have things unsaid.”

It’s very clear to him exactly what she means. _I love you._ “Oh, El.” He sees the nurses hovering in the doorway. “Love? Silly thing, words. Don’t you already know? You’re the reason I’m alive. The reason I get out of bed.” He struggles to reach her,” I love you, Ellie. Surely, you know that.”

Tears stream down her eyes. “Sodding bastard, you are.” She roughly wipes a tear from her cheek. “I love you, too. For some reason.” 

Alec winks at her,” it’s cause I’m a hopeless romantic.”

Ellie snorts and smiles, it quickly turning into a sad smile. She leans down, cupping his head as she kisses him. It’s like a punch to the gut and leans into it. “Hopeless?” She sighs, keeping him so close their noses continue to touch. “Oh yeah. Romantic? No.”

“Mr. Hardy?” The nurses are waiting.

There isn’t the time to tell her the things he’s burning to explain. That she minded after his broken heart, the one she put together with her soft taunts and warm hugs. That he won’t die, he won’t let himself. He has to wake up to his family. He needs Tom and Daisy bickering. He needs to go home and be woken in the dead of night by a toddler who wants to be let up into the bed. He needs _her_. 

He doesn’t say a word just a single tear that falls from his right eye. She smiles at it and drags it away with her finger. “I’ll be right here when you wake up. I’ll have a bag of grapes and our cranky toddler.” She kisses his forehead,” I’ll see you on the other side.”

They come in. Unhooking him from the wall and he never looks away from her eyes. Her grip on his hand is strong, unwavering until they get to the doors. 

“Ma’am, you can’t come any farther.”

Ellie leans down and presses a kiss to his lips. Another punch to the gut. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” And he means it. _Our_ toddler. She’d called Fred his. “Don’t wait up, ya’ here. Tom has an essay due at midnight, don’t need his grumpy arse here all night. Don’t give daisy more than two dollars fro the vending machines either cause she’ll only chocolate.”

She knows this is his goodbye and his ‘you’ll be okay’ wrapped up in and she hates him. “Oh shut up you old Scot.”

He smiles and she shares it too despite the pit in her chest. She stands empty as she watches them push Alec away. This might be the last time she sees him breathing, alive. Her breath is shakey, tears hot as they fall from her eyes. She looks down at her phones vibrating like crazy in her hand. Tom’s caller ID. “Hello, love.”

“He hasn’t gone back, right? Mom, I gotta-”

She covers her mouth with her hand, a small sob hardly contained. “Oh, honey. They’ve just taken him back. You just missed him.”

“Fuck! Fuck!” She can hear the heartbroken desperation. She doesn’t even bother commenting on his language. “Mom?”

“What is it, love?”

Tom’s voice is broken. It’s full of such conviction and anger but so broken. It rips her in half. “If he- If he dies? I’ll never forgive him.”

Ellie doesn’t have time to say anything at all, Tom drops the line. 

When he wakes up, there’s still a tube down his throat. It’s obscene, hurts. Ellie spares him one glance from her book and hits the call button. He manages to fall asleep before a nurse gets there but he’s aware of the fingers that move from his wrist to his palm, and then around his fingers. 

It’s impossible to measure the time but when he opens his eyes this time the first thing he sees is Ellie. She’s got her fingers at her mouth, no doubt making a new habit of biting her poor nails to oblivion. That’s when the blue gloved hands begin moving too closer, a deep voice instructing him to do something like ‘cough’. 

He quickly understands why as he chokes and gags as the tub is pulled from his throat. A mask quickly takes it’s place, he recognizes the way it rubs the skin around his chin that it’s agitated from the last time he wore one. His chest feels the difference. It’s tight, wrong. He gasps and it’s not until the cold air hits his face is it that he manages a full breath of air. “N-No… grapes?”

A nurse steps closer,” I’m sorry, Mr. Hardy. I didn’t catch that.”

He’s still looking at Ellie,” grapes.”

The nurse looks over to Ellie and sees the woman smiling. “He’s asking about grapes?”

Ellie rolls her eyes, sighing as she drops her arms back to her sides. “He’s not had a stroke, he’s just a knob.” The nurse looks skeptical but Ellie’s slow approach to the bed seems good enough to her. It takes Ellie only a moment to greet him. “Stupid old git, you are. Scared me.”

He grunts, suddenly tired as something a little too warm snakes into his arm. He suspects morphine. He rests his eyes, giving Ellie’s hand a squeeze and smiling when she kisses his forehead.

“Get some rest. The kids’ll be excited to see you when they get here.”

“Hello my love,” Ellie gathers Fred up in her arms. His wet little curls and t-shirt raise some alarm but he’s so happy she decides not to push. It gives her optimal attention to spare the teens hovering rather fearfully in the doorway. “Come on in guys, he’s asleep.”

She doesn’t overthink why that seems to ease both their tense shoulders. 

“H-How…” Tom has his hands deep in pockets, his head looking at the ground and his shoes kicking at the tile. “How is he?”

Fred, with the help of her hand, moves to the bed. He’s careful, as careful as a child can be, as he cuddles up to Alec. Little fist coming up to his eyes as he yawns. He pulls Alec’s blanket up to his own chest and rests his head on Alec’s chest. His thumb finds its way into his mouth a moment later.

Ellie smiles at the sight and then at Tom,” he’s gonna be fine.” She takes Alec’s hand,” recovery won’t be fun for us. He’ll be grumpier than normal but he’ll be back so I think we can manage with that.”

Tom nods sharply, arms protectively crossed on his chest. “Yeah. Good. Missed his grumpy arse around the house. No one to fuss at me for using the wrong mug.”

Daisy knocks her hips into his and smiles a little. Tom just shakes his head.

Ellie smiles,” he misses you guys too.”


	5. The Clouds Overhead Open Up

“Are you sure it’s not too soon?” Ellie wringing her hands, pinching and worrying her skin until it’s red. She seems to be the only person not excited about him coming home. Really, it’s not that she’s not excited it’s that she’s afraid. He could get an infection. Fred could hurt him during the middle of the night, climbing up into bed. It’s not safe at home.

Fred’s happily being taught about the things being unconnected from Alec. Giggling when the nurse takes the pulse ox off Alec’s finger and putting it on Fred’s. Even when she playfully points one of the leads his way, up until Fred takes a nose dive into Alec to get away from the little that had just been stuck to Alec’s chest.

Alec makes a small sound, sure it hurts but it’s not that bad. Ellie watches the whole thing, she’s about to lose it a little but Alec scoops Fred in closer. The toddler giggles and rolls into Alec’s lap. Alec grins and teases the boy's head of hair.

“Ma’am,” the doctor’s a very young woman that Ellie actually kind of likes. “At this point, it’s safer for him at home.” She smiles at Fred and Alec,” just monitor the wound like the nurse showed you. Make sure he’s active. He’s gonna be very sore in an hour or so but he’s gonna be fine.” 

Ellie can’t help but recall Alec dying in their bathroom. He’s not safe anywhere.

\----------

“Ach,” Alec joins them for dinner, grumbling, and a voice deep from the nap he’d just woken up from. Ellie offers him some salad, showing him the lasagna she’s made. His stomach twists bitterly at the scent, the anesthetic they used still making him a little nauseous. Luckily, Tom steps into the space separating them momentarily distracting Ellie’s focus on Tom’s hair.

Ellie grabs her son by the elbow, halting his movement so she can run a hand through his hair. “Tom? When was the last time you showered?” She rubs her fingers against his hair,” you need a cut too.” She makes a sound, one that Alec’s taken to learn she’s planning something in her head. “I’ll have to cut it for you after dinner, sometime.”

Tom immediately makes a face. He turns his back to his mother and finds Alec staring grumpily at the wooden table in front of him. “Alec?” He waits for Alec to look up before he asks,” can you cut my hair this weekend? Mom always makes a big deal of it.”

Alec stares at him for a long moment. There’s no tension just uncertainty. Fondness, too. Alec clears his throat and looks down at his left hand. It’s been trembling for a while now, since before the surgery. “Aye… if you can wait for the weekend.”

Tom grins and turns back to his mother, who has her arms crossed tightly around her chest. “Alec said he could do it.”

She rolls her eyes and moves on to Fred, who’s making a mess with his toys as he pushes them back to the living room. She scoops her son up by his little hips and he giggles as he’s lifted from the ground. “Freddie, you’re a mess. Did ‘ya know that?” 

Fred kicks and wiggles but he doesn’t answer. 

She pats his bum and carries him to the table, sitting him in the chair beside Alec. The tot grins up at Alec. “Alec?” He moves until he’s sitting on his knees, the only way he can sit under the table and reach the things on its surface. “Wanna color?”

Alec has been stuck in his head. He’s been stuck for a while now. After two weeks, he’d grown used to just silently watching his family pass him by. Ellie coming to see him, talking the whole time. Tom and Daisy coming after school with Fred in tow, all for what? So the teens could sit in a corner, shooting him occasional glances while Fred naps. 

Now, he’s home, in pain, and they need him to be like he’s always been. Except, he can’t. He’s stuck. He’s broken.

“After dinner, lad.” Alec would normally tussle Fred’s hair but the tot is on his left side and if he’s honest, his enter left arm just isn’t up for anything. “If you eat good, we can have a nice color.”

Fred grins and Alec does his best to smile back. It’s not until Ellie comes around and wraps her arms around him, one on both sides of his neck and her fingers ghosting over his thin shirt that he realizes he’s drifting. It must be the pills. Around him, Tom and Daisy have finished only sitting at the table because they’re deep into a conversation that sounds much more like an argument than civil talk. Still, there’s way too much food on their plates.

Ellie kisses the side of his head. “Loves?” It’s directed to their children,” anyone up for a movie night?”

Fred begins to wiggle comically in his chair, tiny fork clutched in his hand. Mouth full of food he exclaims,” Dory!”

Tom rolls his eyes,” we’re not watching Dory.”

“Spider-man?” Fred offers and Daisy grins, it’s got her vote.

Ellie stops them from arguing much more,” alright, take it to the living room. I’ll be there in a moment. Maybe with some ice cream.” They’re adamant, Tom and Daisy get up but stand and watch Alec and Ellie for a moment. A moment too long because Fred’s left them in the dirt. Both teenagers leave, eyes glancing back no matter how many times Ellie smiles. 

“I need to talk to you about something.” She removes her arms. He nods, his voice is tired and scratchy. He’s tired and frankly a little scratchy too. Ellie sits down across from him, gently taking his left hand in hers. “Daisy and Tom…” Ellie takes a deep breath. “Alec, they’re not okay.”

A more humorous part of his brain wants to comment, that he knows that. Daisy spends twenty minutes shifting posters around her wall when she gets a new one. Alec’s caught Tom standing on his hands, turns out the teen was trying to set some record. End of the day? Yeah, he knows his kids are weird. 

“They’re not eating.” She motions to the still, mostly, full plates. “I’m confident that it’s anxiety, they’re both on edge, but to fix them…” She looks at him now, a hand on his cheek. “We have to fix you.”

He hears her out. He listens. So, he agrees to try harder. Starting right then, he tries to eat more. He can see the change. His hands tremble, his stomach hurts, but he manages. He gains the weight back.

He doesn’t fail to notice the way they all look at him from then on. It’s mostly at dinner or when he’s snacking on crisps at the couch, but there’s this deep relief in their eyes. It takes him a long time to figure it out but one night, when Ellie’s half snoring against his shoulder with her mouth open he smiles. He leans around and presses a kiss to her cheek,” forgive me, love, I’m just an old fool.”

She wakes up, glaring at him when she feels how close he is. She pushes his head away and tangles herself against him, throwing a leg across his hips and an arm over his chest. She kisses the closest body part, his lumpy, ill-placed arm,” it’s okay, you’re my old fool.” The soft way he looks at her there, tangled in his arms, it’s almost enough to forgive him of all of his flaws. Except, whatever gene he has that makes him late.

He’s late to everything. If they plan dinner for 7:00 he won’t show until 7:10. That doesn’t mean he isn’t always there for them. Between Fred’s odd daycare hours and Daisy and Tom’s separate football game times, he balances it all. He leaves from work early and picks Fred up. The two of them go to Daisy’s football practice and then the three of them go to Tom’s. Granted, between it all he’s at least five minutes late for all of these things but he’s always there. Late but there.

“Tom!” Alec’s front row on the bleachers, Daisy holding Fred atop her shoulders so the tot can see his brother in the mess of the game. Fred claps and shouts for his brother again,” Tom!” Despite his brother never hearing him, Fred always shouts and claps for his brother. Alec approaches the game similarly, except the Scot can always be heard much to Tom’s embarrassment. Daisy understands though but neither has the heart to ask him not to shout praises at them.

“Oi!” A boy from the other team hits Tom hard, a sure and obvious foul, but the ref doesn’t say anything. Alec leans over to Daisy, pointing out the kid,” did you see that prick?” He’s not supposed to be getting worked up. Really, he shouldn’t be out of the house. ‘Light’ housework is what the doctor said his heart and body could handle. Shouting and carrying on with the other dads don’t really count as light housework. 

Alec frowns when Tom gets back up, his right leg supporting all of his weight as he limps/jumps back to his starting position. When the whistle blows to start the next play, Alec stands up, watching as Tom runs. He’s distracted and Alec can’t tell from what. 

This time when Tom hits the ground, he doesn't get back up.

“Dad!” Daisy tries to stop Alec from running down the field but he’s gone in a flash. 

Alec scoops Tom up, lifting his head from the muddy ground and into his lap. He brushes his hand down his face, looking for blood and finding none. “Tom? Lad, can you hear me?” There are tears in his eyes and Alec prays the boys only had the air knocked out of him. The coach kneels beside him, giving Tom the once over that Alec did too. 

Tom peels his eyes open, blinking through tears. He curls in on himself, bringing his knees to his chest and burying his face as close to Alec as he can get. It hurts the still on the mend muscles in his chest but Alec holds him. Pulling him close, " I gotcha, lad."

Tom blindly reaches out and finds Alec's hand. He looks up, eyes pinched tight in pain. "He's here. H-He's here, Alec." 

Alec’s heart feels wrong. He’s not sure if it’s the undue stress or because he’s suddenly facing the fear he’s been harboring for ages now. He steals his face, eyes sweeping the bleacher. He puts a hand on the side of Tom’s head and the boy melts into him, leaning his blond head against Alec’s chest. “Alright, lad. I gotcha, you’re fine.”

He spots Joe a moment later. He’s gotten thinner, balder. They make eye-contact, Joe stands. It’s the ultimate battle of what-if. There’s not a chance in hell that if Alec were still near the stands he’d rush the man. He won’t let Joe anywhere near Tom or Fred-

His eyes move, searching for Fred and Daisy. He sees them, Daisy saying something to Fred. She’s holding him on her hip, she’s moving like she’s trying to see better onto the field, and Fred’s got a hand up to his mouth. But they’re away from Joe.

“Maybe your dad should take you home, yeah?” The coach pats Tom’s back, rubbing it a little. “Take him home, Alec. He’s hurting.” The two men share a passing glance and Alec nods. 

He pats Tom’s arm. Putting a hand out on the ground to pull them both up. Tom stands when Alec urges him, one hand gripping his own while the other holds tight to his shirt. Tom lets out a small noise and Alec pulls Tom’s arm over his shoulder, hugging him to his chest and taking some of the weight off his leg. “Talk to me, boyo. How is it?”

Tom’s eyes are on the stands, on the now vacant area where Joe had been. “A-Alec?” He loses his footing, for just a second. Alec catches him, tightening the arm he has around Tom. “Alec, I think… My leg really hurts.”

Alec grunts an affirmative,” aye. You’ll be fine. I’m gonna get you to the A&E and you’ll be fine.”

The hard part of it all ends up being wrestling Fred into the car seat. Daisy stops him, frustratedly berating the toddler, and offers to just call Beth or Chloe to pick her up. Alec catches the sight of Tom silently sobbing in the front seat and he agrees. Pressing a kiss to both Fred and Daisy's forehead, warning her to stay in the sight of others. She understands that he’s only leaving her because Tom’s in pain, the look he keeps sending her and Fred makes her really feel for him. He’s leaving two kids behind with Joe nearby and he’s terrified.

It’s the right decision. As he’s half-carrying Tom into A&E he gets a phone call from Daisy. He calls her back once a nurse greets him with a wheelchair. She and Fred got picked up by Beth only three minutes after he left. On the other hand, Tom’s got a fractured tibia and a cracked rib.

Alec stands at the end of Tom’s bed, arms crossed. He looks over his boy, a little bruised but looking better now that he’s had his wounds taken care of and he’s got something for the pain. Tom blinks sleepily, he’s curled in on himself on his side. Tom’s eyes lazily find him and Alec moves to the side.

Tom yawns and blinks sleepily. “Dad?” There’s something there, in his brown eyes and Alec knows that Tom hasn’t mistaken him for Joe. It’s distinct, different. 

Alec takes Tom’s hand, gently rubbing his thumb against knuckles like Ellie always does to his hand. With his other hand, he pushes Tom’s bangs from his face,” aye?”

Tom sniffles, wiping his nose with a rather uncoordinated swipe of his hand. He’s falling asleep, hardly holding on. “Why did he come to my game?” Tom looks up at him, a little hurt. Alec can only understand that Tom must be feeling abandoned, unloved. “I don’t… I don’t him to take me. I don’t want to go with him.” Tom’s eyes slide shut and he opens back up quickly, blinking hard and squeezing Alec’s hand.

Alec cups the side of Tom’s face, looking into the boy’s eyes. He’s exhausted but he’s not in pain anymore. They’ll sit here for another hour maybe half an hour for him to finish out the IV bag and Alec will have to load Tom up into the car. Right now, he’s just a little loopy and he needs Alec to protect him. To tell him it really will all be okay. “He won’t come back, Tom. He won’t take you.”

Tom sighs, eyes fluttering shut. “You… you promise?” His voice is slurred as he falls asleep, no longer able to fight the drugs in his system.

Alec bends down and presses a kiss to his temple. “Aye, lad. I promise.” He sighs,” as long as I’m here he won’t be taking ya’.” 

Tom’s already asleep. Shifting a little when Alec sighs and sits back down in the chair by his bed. It’s been a long day and his chest is starting to hurt. He’ll be fine in a little while once he gets them both home. His own discomfort is his own fault. Ellie had reminded him twice about his pills before he left this morning and he still forgot. Tom’s pain is his fault too. He should have noticed Joe. And that’s on him.

**Author's Note:**

> Big shout out to Lindariddle for these ideas and M, who kinda sparked me trying to write another fic.
> 
> Hope you all enjoy and who wants to see Fred sleepily ask for his dad, aka Alec?? Ideas on how?


End file.
